I have never been one to stop and appreciate the flower while on a walk in the park. I was never one to savor every last bit of my food to appreciate the taste. I never took the moment to just "stop" and appreciate and live in the moment of life.
I was always the one to think ahead. To think of the future. To rush myself through the years until I got to middle school, then until I got to high school, and then until I got to college, and sometimes I would even think ahead to when I would own a house or have my own kids. And yes, this is normal for anyone to do. To look ahead, at what is coming in life. To keep the thought of the future in your head. But for me, all I ever thought about was the future. I always had a plan of what was going to happen and when it was going to happen. I rushed my life until I got to that point. I was always planning far way in the future and never thinking about the things that were going on right in front of me or even in just those coming days, weeks or months. It isn't a bad thing to do, but after experiencing the "other way of life", thinking and rushing ahead isn't that fun.
I would have to say from a very young age, like age 3, I was always planning for life for 5 years down the road. It wouldn't always turn out that way, which was fine, but I never just thought about "today". I can honestly say that I never realized that I wasn't fully living in the moment, until this past year. My senior year in High School, it was flying by, and all that I could think about was going off to college. By mid-April I realized I really don't have any amazing memories of this year. I felt it was because everyone was just caught up in their own busy worlds. However, after talking to LP, I realized that I was the problem. That it was me who wasn't enjoying everything. That I was the one who never stopped to smell the roses. That I was so busy looking ahead that I was missing the memories, friendships, and bonds that where right there in front of me.
In the last few months of school I tried my hardest to forget about the future for a few hours of the day, when I was with my friends and to soak up the last few months I had in high school, and that I would have living so close to my support group, and best friends. I can't say that I ever stopped looking ahead or rushing ahead, but I did try. I tried really hard to just stop rushing around. I stopped having constant countdowns going on. (Part of that caused me to be late to every and anything and to forget important events.) But I now remember the last few months of high school being a bit more memorable and enjoyable.
After school was over, my mind really focused on Thailand. I thought about getting ready for school a tad bit but my main focus was Thailand. I think the 12 Days between graduation and the last day of school and leaving for Thailand were one of the first times where I was able to focus on just an event that was taking place not too far away.
While on the way to Thailand I couldn't wait to see the Tigers. I was more excited to play and cuddle with them, than I was anything else on the trip. After the first few hours of joining the plight group and heading to the pool I had almost forgotten all about the Tigers. I remember everything about that day and I enjoyed every second of it. I soaked every second of that day in. By the time we reached the Hostel after a VERY long day, the Tigers were back in my mind. I remember giving a count down in the morning to my group of how many days there were until we got to cuddle with the tigers. I don't remember who, but someone had replied, "That means there is only that amount of days until our trip is half over." Well, that made me depressed! But it also made me stop looking forwards to the Tigers. (In a good way) I wouldn't even think about how exciting the next day sounded until I was laying in bed trying to go to sleep, and most nights i would just recall how awesome that day was.
I think this really helped me live in the moment. Maybe not every second of the day, but for 90% of the day I was focused on what was going on right then and there. The only time I rushed was when Addam or Jane said that we were leaving at a certain time and I wasn't close to being ready. But I really and truly enjoyed every second I had with these people on this trip. (Excepts for when I was almost dying, I didn't enjoy that, or being sick the second week.) Every second was enjoyable. I really learned a lot about myself. I even noticed my surroundings a bit more. (like the flowers, the smell, the things you don't notice when you take life for granted or when you just "do" stuff just by going through the motions) I also really tried and tasted everything I was given. Most of the time I give something a split second to see if I like it. But I gave the new foods a bit more of a chance. Turns out, after a few bites, most things really started to grow on me.
During the second week of the trip, when I was sick, I tried so very hard not to let it ruin my trip. Not to let me believe that it was the worse thing that could ever happen. I tried so hard. I never once thought it was unfair. It was completely, okay well, mostly fair. I hadn't drank enough, and I wasn't taking care of my self. MY inaction was to blame, nothing or no one else. It was a little unfair that it didn't happen to anyone else who wasn't drinking enough, but I'm happy everyone else was okay. I wouldn't wish what happened to me on anyone else. I'm happy it was me rather than them. Only once, okay maybe twice, was I SUPER DUPER EXTREMELY sad that I was away from my friends, and that I wasn't participating in the fun events that they got to, but I knew it was all m fault. (and I'm a bit frustrated and mad at myself because of it) I wanted more than anything to be with them, I wanted more than anything to feel better so I could get over to ENP. But still during that week, I lived in the moments. I did look forwards to the next day with hopes of feeling better so I could go to ENP, but I still tried my hardest to enjoy the place I was, what I was doing and who I was with. At one point, Jane and I had gone on a walk. During the walk I NEEDED to sit, and Jane decided I need food because I hadn't eaten all day, any type of food that I wanted. I choose m&m's. I sat down near the ice cream freezer of the store and ate some m&m's. I ate them the way I always do: by color. But slower than I usually do. While talking to Jane, a conversation about the taste of the different m&m colors came up. That they each tasted a tenny tiny tad bit different. While sitting on that floor, eating those m&m's taking the time to really enjoy them, partly because I wasn't hungry, and partly because I took the time to enjoy them, I noticed the difference in taste that Jane was talking about. And that's when I knew I had begun to change and that I had begun to live in the moment. That I took the time to enjoy simple things in life. The time to think about what was happening right now. To actually taste what I was eating.The time to appreciate my life, the people in it and the memories that I am making at any given moment.
I'm not sure that anyone will truly understand this post, or that it makes sense to anyone but me, but it's something important to me. It changed the way I look at my life. Yes, I do still think about the future, but I'm not just waiting around for it to come. I'm not using the time between now and getting married to think about just that. I'm using this time to enjoy life and live it to the fullest. I'm using this time to create more memories and stories, so I can tell my kids about it. Yes, I still plan the future, yes, I still think about names I would like to name my kids, but I don't think about it 24/7 anymore. I put myself in the moment. I live for today, I live for what is going on right now. I think about the future, but I will not be rushing myself into it anytime soon.
I'm sorry If you don't understand the point I'm trying to make here, it's kinda hard to spell out, but remember, it is MY blog and it isn't yours, so if you don't understand it, I'm sorry, but I'm not Sorry!
I would have to say from a very young age, like age 3, I was always planning for life for 5 years down the road. It wouldn't always turn out that way, which was fine, but I never just thought about "today". I can honestly say that I never realized that I wasn't fully living in the moment, until this past year. My senior year in High School, it was flying by, and all that I could think about was going off to college. By mid-April I realized I really don't have any amazing memories of this year. I felt it was because everyone was just caught up in their own busy worlds. However, after talking to LP, I realized that I was the problem. That it was me who wasn't enjoying everything. That I was the one who never stopped to smell the roses. That I was so busy looking ahead that I was missing the memories, friendships, and bonds that where right there in front of me.
In the last few months of school I tried my hardest to forget about the future for a few hours of the day, when I was with my friends and to soak up the last few months I had in high school, and that I would have living so close to my support group, and best friends. I can't say that I ever stopped looking ahead or rushing ahead, but I did try. I tried really hard to just stop rushing around. I stopped having constant countdowns going on. (Part of that caused me to be late to every and anything and to forget important events.) But I now remember the last few months of high school being a bit more memorable and enjoyable.
After school was over, my mind really focused on Thailand. I thought about getting ready for school a tad bit but my main focus was Thailand. I think the 12 Days between graduation and the last day of school and leaving for Thailand were one of the first times where I was able to focus on just an event that was taking place not too far away.
While on the way to Thailand I couldn't wait to see the Tigers. I was more excited to play and cuddle with them, than I was anything else on the trip. After the first few hours of joining the plight group and heading to the pool I had almost forgotten all about the Tigers. I remember everything about that day and I enjoyed every second of it. I soaked every second of that day in. By the time we reached the Hostel after a VERY long day, the Tigers were back in my mind. I remember giving a count down in the morning to my group of how many days there were until we got to cuddle with the tigers. I don't remember who, but someone had replied, "That means there is only that amount of days until our trip is half over." Well, that made me depressed! But it also made me stop looking forwards to the Tigers. (In a good way) I wouldn't even think about how exciting the next day sounded until I was laying in bed trying to go to sleep, and most nights i would just recall how awesome that day was.
I think this really helped me live in the moment. Maybe not every second of the day, but for 90% of the day I was focused on what was going on right then and there. The only time I rushed was when Addam or Jane said that we were leaving at a certain time and I wasn't close to being ready. But I really and truly enjoyed every second I had with these people on this trip. (Excepts for when I was almost dying, I didn't enjoy that, or being sick the second week.) Every second was enjoyable. I really learned a lot about myself. I even noticed my surroundings a bit more. (like the flowers, the smell, the things you don't notice when you take life for granted or when you just "do" stuff just by going through the motions) I also really tried and tasted everything I was given. Most of the time I give something a split second to see if I like it. But I gave the new foods a bit more of a chance. Turns out, after a few bites, most things really started to grow on me.
During the second week of the trip, when I was sick, I tried so very hard not to let it ruin my trip. Not to let me believe that it was the worse thing that could ever happen. I tried so hard. I never once thought it was unfair. It was completely, okay well, mostly fair. I hadn't drank enough, and I wasn't taking care of my self. MY inaction was to blame, nothing or no one else. It was a little unfair that it didn't happen to anyone else who wasn't drinking enough, but I'm happy everyone else was okay. I wouldn't wish what happened to me on anyone else. I'm happy it was me rather than them. Only once, okay maybe twice, was I SUPER DUPER EXTREMELY sad that I was away from my friends, and that I wasn't participating in the fun events that they got to, but I knew it was all m fault. (and I'm a bit frustrated and mad at myself because of it) I wanted more than anything to be with them, I wanted more than anything to feel better so I could get over to ENP. But still during that week, I lived in the moments. I did look forwards to the next day with hopes of feeling better so I could go to ENP, but I still tried my hardest to enjoy the place I was, what I was doing and who I was with. At one point, Jane and I had gone on a walk. During the walk I NEEDED to sit, and Jane decided I need food because I hadn't eaten all day, any type of food that I wanted. I choose m&m's. I sat down near the ice cream freezer of the store and ate some m&m's. I ate them the way I always do: by color. But slower than I usually do. While talking to Jane, a conversation about the taste of the different m&m colors came up. That they each tasted a tenny tiny tad bit different. While sitting on that floor, eating those m&m's taking the time to really enjoy them, partly because I wasn't hungry, and partly because I took the time to enjoy them, I noticed the difference in taste that Jane was talking about. And that's when I knew I had begun to change and that I had begun to live in the moment. That I took the time to enjoy simple things in life. The time to think about what was happening right now. To actually taste what I was eating.The time to appreciate my life, the people in it and the memories that I am making at any given moment.
I'm not sure that anyone will truly understand this post, or that it makes sense to anyone but me, but it's something important to me. It changed the way I look at my life. Yes, I do still think about the future, but I'm not just waiting around for it to come. I'm not using the time between now and getting married to think about just that. I'm using this time to enjoy life and live it to the fullest. I'm using this time to create more memories and stories, so I can tell my kids about it. Yes, I still plan the future, yes, I still think about names I would like to name my kids, but I don't think about it 24/7 anymore. I put myself in the moment. I live for today, I live for what is going on right now. I think about the future, but I will not be rushing myself into it anytime soon.
I'm sorry If you don't understand the point I'm trying to make here, it's kinda hard to spell out, but remember, it is MY blog and it isn't yours, so if you don't understand it, I'm sorry, but I'm not Sorry!
No comments:
Post a Comment
Please Leave any questions or comments you may have. Keep it nice or your post will be deleted and reported. Thanks