A small update

Wow! It's been nearly two month since I last updated! In those two months so much has happened.  I am now home from my freshman year at college, I've been painting my room, I've been babysitting 3 days a week, catching up on my health care and self improvements, and even managing to spend a god deal of time in the sun!

My freshman year at Becker was spectacular! I love Becker and I've met so many amazing people. Actually some of the amazing people that I met actually graduated this year. RayRay was among one of the awesome people I met. He was my orientation leader last June and I enjoyed being around his positive and caring personality and his care for others! He is really going to be going places! I wish I had more time to get to know him better. Another one of the awesome people I met was Melissa. Actually in the beginning of the first semester I met with my adviser who had told me a little about Melissa and how she was among the first group of Becker Britsionarys, and that said I sorta reminder her of Melissa. Later on in the semester my boss at the Library had mentioned some work that Melissa has done. Eventually I reached out to Melissa and decided to talk to her about what major she would recommend for me or just to really talk about options. It was really great! Melissa actually got her dream job at BE Like Brit! I'm THRILLED for her.
 As well as meeting some seniors who are going to be moving mountains, I made some really stunning friends. Unfortunately a few of them may not becoming back to Becker next year due to financial reasons :(
 Along with all the new friends I made I also managed to finished my second semester with passing all of my classes. Normally this news would be more about having super amazing grades but after this was a tough semester I am just thrilled that I don't have to re-take any classes!



In addition to finishing my Freshman year my room is in the process from going from green and blue to fairy tale blue and grey! Though I did enjoy my fun colored room, I felt that it was time to tone it down a bit. Pictures to come!

Lastly I've been working with a family in Morristown. The family is one of my favorites. They have twin 12 month olds and I love love love watching them grow and learn. I love talking with the parents and they are raising two great and beautiful children!

I guess there may be a little bit more to update on but for now.......


I'll for those of you who actually do read my blog, I'll leave you with some of my 100Daysof Happiness and 100DaysofThankfulness photos

Puppy Kisses! 

Been working on my self improvement

Visited Char Char

Got My Haiti Shirt! 

Spent Time With my Cousins

fostered my first kitten

Babysat these cuties

played on the playground!

Spent the weekend with my Nana & Poppop

Finished my Freshman year! 

Perfect Handsand on Ridgevale Beach CC

Studied in CC

and Made S'mores of course!

created out own twister game!

Colored like children! 

Guilt

Guilt [gilt]- noun- a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc. whether real 

                         real or imagined: She felt guilt for affiliation. 

"Hard though it may be to accept, remember that guilt is sometimes a friendly internal voice reminding you that you're messing up."

Guilt it is a feeling that EVERYONE who is normal will feel at some point rather it is to the extreme of murdering someone or on the small (but still horrible feeling) of hurting someone's feelings. I'd say about 70% of the time guilt is something that is the result of something YOU personally ACCIDENTALLY did. 15% is probably about the amount of guilt felt from doing something then feeling guilty afterwards because you didn't think "it" through or you thought the reaction would be different. Lastly I'd say the last 15% is caused by something you intentionally did, but you don't regret it however you still feel bad (kindly like when you decide to put a dog to sleep).
  Most people when feeling guilt will say "I am sorry." However hasn't that lost meaning over the years? It is something that I myself catch myself saying on a regular basis. However what does SORRY mean to you? I've always taken it as "I didn't mean to do that," or "I shouldn't have done that," or "I wasn't thinking when I did that it won't happen again." After saying sorry the subject has always been dropped, however does the feeling really go away after the routine "I'm sorry" is said?? Does the person apologizing stop feeling bad? Does the person who is being apologized to forget this feelings? I think the picture above really brings back meaning into the word "Sorry."

I personally relate to this quote because no matter how simple for the subject I typically always have guilt for longer than the moment I admit that "I'm sorry."  Sometimes I even feel that I can say sorry all I want, but is that really going to make much of a difference?? Is that going to change what happened? Is that going to make things go back to normal? Is it going to stop the guilt I feel? The regret? The sympathy? Is it going to stop me from feeling bad? Like a horrible person? Like there is absolutely no way that you should forgive me?

NO! A "Sorry" does NOT take away feelings from Either party! 

 There are other times where I am hyper, crazy, and push people's buttons. You'd think that after enough times of doing this to the same person that I would learn the line, that I would learn when to stop. That I wouldn't cross the line, that I wouldn't keep the punch line going when I know that the person has had enough??? Was I thinking? 

        Yes, I was thinking, Yes I did think I was crossing the line. WHY did I keep it going??? Honestly I don't know. I wouldn't be able to tell you why. Time and time again I push my limit. Maybe it's because I just want to keep the fun going. Maybe because its the similar fun that we have all the time. Maybe it's because when I laugh I forget about all the bad that is going on around me forgetting that something I know when I'm not laughing is still bothering that person..... and honestly I feel the guilt as soon as I stop laughing. I  have pain from worsening that person's pain and the pain of AGAIN letting that person down by not knowing when to stop. I truly feel sorry when I do that and I beat myself up all day and night, and for a while afterwards....It never truly goes away and if something reminds me what I did I'll again feel the guilt as strong as I did originally. 

We all have flaws and not one person is perfect however, it doesn't mean we can't work on what we are bad at. I've been working on this problem. I've been trying my best but sometimes my best is failing. I know that's part of the learning processes but I get mad that I do it every time. 

Tonight this post had to do with an incident that happened today, and honestly I am not so sure that person will even ever see this post. However if they do I want them to know that I am sorry. I am trying hard to work on this. No, I'm not going to blame it on being one of my flaws---There is nothing to blame it on, it was just me being a bad friend. I feel horrible and I know you need time to breathe, study, and take care of what needs to be taken care of, but know that I do LOVE you and you are truly one of my BEST friends in this crazy world we live in. Though I suck at times, though I give harsh advise, though I annoy the crap out of you, am a pain in your ass, make no sense at time, want to know everything, I love you and I never mean to hurt you. I never want to hurt you and I feel so sick not only because I pushed you and hurt you but because I know before that that you are having it rough. I felt bad before this even happened just because I knew you were upset before hand. I am sorry. Accept it or not I don't care because I will have the guilt no matter what and you will feel the pain no matter what....but I still love you!

And to everyone else: Think about it...Are you sorry when you say sorry? What does it mean to you???

Catch Up!

WOW! I can't believe I haven't posted on here since March 23rd. I guess it's safe to say that I have been incredibly busy, especially with classes these past few weeks.

 I don't think I've ever had to focus so hard on two single classes ever! A&P and Clinical are really making me work hard. Along with those two classes I've also been sitting on 4 papers that are are due with in the next two weeks. But ehay I can't complain though at least I am fortunate enough to be getting an education! But I'm looking forwards to being home in 3 weeks!!!!

So here is a little of what I've been up (other than studying the last few weeks):


I spent a Thursday night in Worcester playing Bingo. There were some pretty gnarly prizes however I didn't win any of them, neither did Charlyn or Colby. However the night did result in Shamrock Shakes! And that right there is a win in itself.
 Charlyn and I have also been spending a great deal of nights Dancing off stress, emotions, and calories. I actually beat her once, and she is a dancer!!!!

   

 

Charlyn, Nicole, Colby and I spent another night playing "Hall Ball" Nobody ever said not to play Ball in Lane Hall. Hall Ball is always good time! I spent April 5th at Be Like Brit's 2nd Annual Bowl for Brit Night! I had a blast! I got to spend the night with some of my crazy Britsionarys. I also got to meet a few other Britsionarys and a BUNCH of other people that Be Like Brit possible! It was a super special night!

  

I've been spending a lot of time working on my running. My Goal is to be able to run at a constant speed for 2 1/2 miles. Eventually I'll work it up higher to a 5k. The picture on the left is a friend I found and save one day on a jog.

  

In the little free time I've been heading to school Event. The first was a speaker where after we had dinner with raffles and I won a DICK'S gift card. Friday I attended Becker's Second Annual Spring Ball. It was so much fun. Again I won another gift card, this time to KHOL'S.

  

And lastly I've been enjoying this BEAUTIFUL weather with these CRAZY goons! Couldn't have asked for better friends!!!!


And Just in Case none of those photos made you SURI.....

This one is sure too!!! <33 counting the days until I'm back with Brit's Kids!!! 

Post Haiti

 

One Week Ago I was on a plane heading from Port Au Prince, Haiti to Ft. Larderdale, Florida. Although not feeling 100% I wasn't ready to leave, at all. I wanted to stay I wanted to do more! I know at least two others felt this way while a few other couldn't wait to be back home for various reasons.

I feel like I could talk about my time in Haiti for hours, although I do find it hard to talk to most of my friends and family about it. Something is just missing when I talk to them about it. I feel almost as if they don't fully understand. (But they do all seem to listen)

This past week I've had such a hard time focusing on just about anything I try to concentrate on, especially during classes. My mind has been on Haiti, and my Heart has been is in Haiti. I've been brainstorming on additional ways to help the community, and BLB. I've been talking with my family about going back for Christmas. (I'm just honoring my dad's wish of waiting a month before I commit) I've been thinking about ways to fundraiser for additional trip. I've even began talking to friends who I KNOW would love Haiti and working on a time when we could possibly go together as a Britsionary group. 

In addition to Haiti I miss my people from my group!

Most would agree that I am typically passionate about almost everything I do. So I understand where people like my dad are coming from when he said wait a month and see if the feeling is still this strong before you give yourself for Christmas. I completely understand where he is coming from. I'm passionate about everywhere that I volunteer for. I love the shelters in Thailand, and I have said that I do want to go back. That is still true, however I have never seen myself making a life out of living in Thailand forever, maybe a month, but not forever. Purrs N' Pup-  I do still see myself with them forever, regardless of how distant I've been forced to become over the past year, PNP will always be my Rescue. Even if  move away and can't foster for them, PNP is still my rescue, and where I grew up, It's a group I'll always promote and help when I can. 

And now Haiti and Be Like Brit. Although this, this time I feel different. Not it a bad way, but in a better way. I've always struggled with a sense of who I am and what makes me different than my sisters. What makes me stand out. And most of all finding where I'll get what I want in my life. Haiti, man, Haiti showed me all of this in ways I can't describe. In ways that I don't even think I fully understand. I feel different about my trip to Haiti and volunteering with Be Like Brit. I loved it more than words can describe, and it feels so different to me than anywhere or anything else. Strangely I felt HOME, not "at home" but HOME. In a land that I had never been, with a language that I knew 3 phases in, with people who I had never met before, acting in situations I had never been put in before, witnessing things that one would never imagine, helping those who I never even saw or heard about before beginning to build, truly laughing with people I don't speak the same language, crying with those I had seen but never had a full conversation with before Haiti, and loving and being loved by those I just met. Haiti is a place where I never thought to feel at home. A place where I never thought I'd leave my entire heart in, a place where there is so much hope, love and laughter regardless of what little they have or will ever have. 

Since the Earthquake in 2010 I have wanted to volunteer in Haiti but never found the right opportunity. I am beyond grateful for the opportunity to have gone last week. I'm upset it took so long for me to get there, but I'm beyond excited I had it. I want to go back, I want to WORK, AID, and make Haiti a part of me everyday. I'm not quite sure how or where to stat, but I truly wish to make it happen. I will however take Jonathan's advise and experience working in Orphanages in other places as well, but I really believe Haiti will always be number one.  

"I Think I left my heart In Haiti.....

.........All that I think about is what I would be doing If i were still there, I can't stop thinking about Haiti. I have finally been able to do what I've wanted for nearly 4 years now, and I have loved every second of it and I want to get back as soon as I can!"

This past week I spent my time Volunteering as a Britsionary at the Be Like Brit Orphanage in Haiti. 

"The Orphanage was built in loving memory of Britney Gengel, who perished in the 2010 Haiti earthquake while on a service trip through her college, Lynn University. Be Like Brit honors Britney’s memory and legacy of compassion to those less fortunate, and was inspired by a text message she sent to her mother just 3 hours before the quake claimed her life.'They love us so much and everyone is so happy. They love what they have and they work so hard to get nowhere, yet they are all so appreciative. I want to move here and start an orphanage myself.'" (Taken Directly from the home page of BLB)

During my time at Be Like Brit I learned so much about Haiti, along with about myself. I experienced joy, love, compassion, guilt, hope, and faith. 

  I never thought I could fall in love with a place, a country, people so true, hard and as fast as I did. Each day of my time in Haiti I fell just more in love with it all. 

  I fell for the children first and foremost. Not only the ones with in the walls of BLB, but also with the ones outside of the walls of BLB. I love them, each and every one of them. Originally I thought the Language barrier would prevent us from communicating. I also didn't think the kids would really attack us with love when we walked into BLB. But Boy was I completely WRONG!

They LOVED my watch

 We were greeted by children singing for us and the second they finished singing, we all had a child in our arms, on our back, and by our sides. It was one of the best feelings. I had ever had until that point. The feeling of complete trust, and Love. 

 Each day I would meet a new kid who would stick with me every time we were doing activities that day. I also had children who every time they saw me RAN towards me and stuck with me. Both the children in the community and at BLB had lots of love to offer. Where ever you went rather you had a peewilly to offer them or not they wanted you. A high-5, a hug, a piggy-back ride, to be picked up, to be played with, to sit with you, to teach you their language and to be a kid. Rather we were working at a site, at church, the market, on a hike, at the beach, or just about anywhere, I met a child. One thing each Haitian child I met seemed to have in common was hope, faith, and love in their eyes. I heard their faith in song, experienced their love, and saw their hope. I feel in love with the children. I truly did. And I miss them, all of them, the older ones, the younger ones and the ones in between. I saw what Brittany saw- they were all grateful and proud of what little they had they LOVED us. 

  

Second I fell in love with adults. The mothers, the fathers, aunts, uncles, grandmothers. and cousins of the children I met. Each place I went I met someone new. Neither of us spoke the same language, but both of us were on the same page. We did our best to communicate. We used sign language and out fingers to point out and act out what we were trying to say. We taught each other the words for what we were trying to say. They helped us help them. One women on our second day in Haiti saw that I was too short to reach the top of a window to paint it. She saw me leaning to reach it from a tree stump. Then she brought over 2 cinder blocks for me to stand on so I could finish painting someone's house in her community. Someone who she didn't even know. She then stood by me holding the paint bucket up, and scratching the dried paint off my leg until the window was done. She was not only was helping the "Blan" (us) but she was helping someone in her community that she didn't even know. This didn't only happen while painting the house but also when we where building a house for one of the Caregivers for BLB.  I also got to know and love some of the caregivers who taught me as I taught them. I also saw within the community the strength in the people. They have nothing compared to what I have. Many times they go to sleep in fear for safety, with an empty stomach, in pain, sick, and so much more, but they don't complain. They pray, the hope, the have faith, and most of all they give what little they have and they are proud.

The nature- I feel in love with the landscape. The mountains, the ocean, the flowers. Yes, it is the poorest country in the western hemisphere, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't have natural beauty.  The water, why it was beautiful, and warm! I wish we were allowed and had time to swim. The mountings-they allowed me to see everything. I felt like I was on top of the world. It was amazing! I loved standing on top of Brittany's orphanage and looking past everything into the ocean. Its such a serene view, and it looks past all of the poverty and pain. I loved the view of the beach!  And the flowers- I usually don't care to much for them but I loved them! They where beautiful! However the Sunrise was the prettiest that I've EVER seen. nothing like I've really seen anywhere else. And the sunset were pretty high up there too.

Lastly a big part of what I feel in love with was Be Like Brit and the people who make it run. Kristin especially played a large role in this for us, as she is the one who organizes all of the Britisionary groups. She did an amazing job teaching us about the culture and preparing us for what we would see and what we would be doing. I had a lot of fun getting to know her and spend time with her and learning just some of what she does at BLB. I'm so thrilled to have been able to also meet & spend time with Len and Cherylann, Gama, Franky, Jonathan, Cupidon, Peterson,  Joe-Bear (I know I may have that completely spelt wrong--- Sorry), and everyone else who makes Be Like Brit amazing. I really love you and all you do! I can't WAIT to come back! I would love to do intern work with you somehow! I have my fingers crossed to be back for Christmas week!

In addition, I am so grateful for the other Britsionarys that I got to meet. You guys are amazing and I already miss you!! Tom and Christina- you guys are the best and I really hope we meet again. And Everyone from Becker- I'm super glad to have had the opportunity to create friendships with you! We have a bond of poop sharing and fart sharing, thanks to Kristin! We have to all hangout sometime and have a reunion- I mean 4 of you are nursing students with "no lives" and one of you are taking applications for friends, so I think we should make it happen!! and BEFORE you Seniors Graduate!!! Love you guys!!!!